Courage is a learned behavior. A lot of people say I just don’t have it in me, as if other people just got it and they didn’t. It’s just not like that.
You can learn courage the way you learn to walk.
-Zarna Garg
basis
What is the basis of a life spent in captivity?
Bainbridge
The last time I rode the ferry to Bainbridge Island, I was 22. The weather was stormy, I shot with a zoom lens, had no children, and was living in the city for a month in a fully furnished apartment with my husband. We had this idea we’d try out the place. Life in Alabama felt like the wrong equation, no matter how many variables we shifted.
Then, we had our first kiddo. She was a wonderful, all consuming beam of light, who, combined with her sister a little later, kept us in the South another 3 years. Then, it was time to go. We headed West.
It was both an easy transition, and not. We left a place we’d lived our entire life, on the basis of vibes. Perhaps that doesn’t give enough credit— housing, prices, community, etc were checked, lots of conversations were had, feasibility was obsessed over. My husband and I are both first borns, burdened with glorious purpose, and whatnot 😉😉 And, it did take some doing to transition a life 2600 miles away. We sold a house, my husband and some family/friends drove our cars and a dog, and I flew with a 3 y/o & a 5 month old to stay with friends till they arrived in Washington. Some of the images from this time might be on this blog, way way back. I can’t remember.
I took this image a few weeks ago, standing with one of those kids. Looking at it now causes introspection, but also the happy memory of being on our way to our 13 year old’s soccer game. The sun was out, my coat was warm, and my younger kiddo stood close, our excitement about the Seattle skyline in tandem.
By now, we all know this influence with photography, right?
But still, we’ve wondered. Our life here is good, but we hope we’ve made the right call. Awarness of different timelines can be a heavy thing, if you let it. My sincere hope in our 10th year is that moving forward we continue with mindfulness and gratitude. That we see what we still want and what we already have with balanced clarity.
Lot’s of words before 7am PST. Hopefully they make sense 😉
Remembrance
I listened to a voicemail from my late grandpa yesterday. I suppose it was a morbid curiosity. It had been years since I heard his voice, but managed to have the wherewithal to save the last voicemail he ever left. It isn’t anything special, he simply asks me to give him a call, in a slightly annoyed voice, an awkward pause in between his words.
My grandpa was gregarious. Used to being in charge, and getting what he wanted, my grandpa was a person of action, who couldn’t quite understand the inaction of others. But, he wasn’t a tyrant. He had a generous heart, and a humorous spirit, both often cranked to 11. I suppose some people could have called him the jolly tyrant, because often, the volume of his personality and ideas overshadowed and usurped the wants of others. I remember lots of times being annoyed that he couldn’t just leave people alone.
But also, he was a deeply positive influence in my life. One I didn’t realize until the final months of his battle with cancer. These sorts of life events cause a person to look back, and through that examination, I came to understand just how much he took care of me, kept me safe from certain unfortunate childhood experiences. How, when I outgrew my bedroom furniture that he bought, it was him to replace it. How he set up a college fund. How he often was an invisible resource for so many things. I spent nearly every weekend with him and my grandmother. He would pick me up from school on Friday. It was my favorite day— the one day I didn’t spend an hour riding a bus and being teased for being the fat kid. On Fridays, I was spared the soul crushing taunts of southern Alabama rural county kids. Believe me, those kids are brutal.
The bottom line is my grandfather had a profound and at the exact same time, almost imperceptible impact on my life. He was a big person, a loud person, but boy did he give a damn. He had deep belief in the idea of family, and stepped up to fill roles that were missing in ways I saw, and others I’m sure I’ll never know about.
And so, something as simple as a voicemail can really undo a person. When I hear it, I don’t hear the frustration at not being able to get a hold of me right away, but the angst of my grandpa losing the ability to speak. The cancer slowly removed his communication, then look his physical faculties over the course of several months. It forced him to sit with his ultimate end for far too many hours. It wasn’t fair for a person who wanted to skydive again, who had so many people they still wanted to care for, a woodworking shop they had just built to make gifts, grandkids they wanted to laugh with.
Each year of elementary school, he and my grandmother would drive 45 minutes to film me and my siblings getting on the bus. I hated it. I was embarrassed, quiet, angry, every single time. He was exuberant and incessant, his camcorder in my face before 8:30 in the morning.
I miss him. I wish I could thank him.
Maple Blanket
A scene prior to a family session a couple weeks ago.
prayers
A hope for success and harmony,
a growing of muscles and bandwidth and ability..
Are we what we came into the world as?
How much can be shaped, shorn, shared?
Is desire and hard work enough to bushwhack through the mental wilderness.
Can enough ground be cleared, a runway made for the take off?
Not seeking no hard work,
but flight, and flight with other birds, who know the power of air, without seeing it.
I’m not asking for wings, I can see my own.
I simply want strength to fly.
a gratitude
The enormous privilege to make a life and give it more than you could have imagined.. and the gratefulness around this ability, sometimes hits me. Like on moments on a ferry when, in real time, it seems you’re watching your child shift into something new.
She’ll be 10 soon, well on her way to teenage years. But in this moment, I see the middle- the child, who still is amazed by this new skyline view, but is capable such complexity in her perspective.
When they say these years in between are magic, I get it. I know the path we’re headed down soon isn’t an easy one, as demonstrated by her older sister. But the gratitude for now, practicing that feels so important for the emotional muscle needed in the future.
Ferry Ride
When you stick a camera outside the window of a moving ferry, you probably should share the image.
Little Giants
The compulsion to write about giants when posting a mushroom picture is strong. They’re the most delicate part of a huge system, something we’ve only recently begun to understand. And “understand” is a bit overstated. I think we’ve only just started to have the tools to explore what’s going on with mycelium.
I love how mysterious the natural world is. Depths we could explore, both figurative and literal, still exist. We are part of a complex and dynamic system, one we can work with if we adopt a holistic lens. It’s a lot of hope, I get it. We also continue to do things at odds with our world. Short term beings do have a hard time with the long term view. However, I have hope in our goodness, our curiosity, our empathy. Hearing about people with much more knowledge and specialization who continue to push their passions forward, who understand we are a part.. that is exciting.
Again, it’s a lot of hope, but that’s the vibe today.
Brought to you by the letter S
Scenes seen and schemed
from the sideways seconds of a solid subaru
so similar so separate.
I’m speeding somewhere for sporting,
they stay still and silent.
You CAN take it with you
…a camera, that is.
My annoying habit of leaving the camera at home is finally starting to break. Case in point, just this weekend we went to the peninsula for a soccer game Saturday, then took a long walk up a local mountain on Sunday.
The ferry weather was gorgeous, the city, sparkling in the low sun angled light of the PNW, light that hits from the side due to latitude. The water was calm, the wind, not too bad. I found myself exceptionally inspired by everything, pumped, and jazzed about water patterns, windows framing things, reflections.
None of this is new under the sun.. but on Saturday the scenes breathed novel life into my travel image eye. Excited to share the images this week.
Memory vs Reality
This wasn’t in the fall, but there is a seasonal sense of peace to this frame.
It also was anything but quiet. The roar of the ocean, the frantic playful squawking of pelicans, shrill cries of delight from tourist children not pictured.. Our images don’t always accurately showcase reality, but it’s alright. The memory is a good one.
sermon
One lives in the midst of a silent sermon all the time.
- Joseph Campbell
November
In November the bones of the earth begin to show. What was hidden reveals itself, and in that revealing, we find what is essential.
-Clarissa Pinkola Estés
End of October Thoughts #4
Back around the beginning of October I had an idea for a project. Basically, I’d drive around documenting as many of Bellingham's giant skeletons as I could under a time crunch. My kids would accompany me as often as possible in the personal minutes between activities, errands, and work.
And guess what? We actually made it happen. It was a fun, low-stakes side quest during a busy season, with a rewarding visual outcome!
No Bones About It
or, one small town's obsession with death.
You can see the rest here.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!
End of October Thoughts #3
It’s an unsettled feeling. You must be busy, your hands are idle, and the time is ticking away. But, you’re tired. You’re a bit overworked, and your brain needs a break from logistics. Still you hope to find inspiration, so you open “the” app. You scroll for 5 mins, looking for a spark. You see several AI ‘artists’ not labeled as such, you see lots of beautiful people and even more beautiful words. Smiles, and a perceived depth in the squares. But it doesn’t quite hit. 5 minutes turns to 10, and then you realize your eyes now match the brain fog. They’re strained, strung out, and you have a similar feeling to having done lots of brain work, without anything to show for it. And you have nothing left for your own creativity. Depleted in a mere 10 minutes.
Lately, the main drag is socials. not real ones, or in slang terms IRL. But the ones masquerading as your interactions for the day. That comment, that scroll, that video or meme that seems oh so tailored just for you, that moment of small internet clout, a like, a heart, a comment. Then.. crickets. Until the next thing that takes attention but gives nothing substantial.
Now, people do use digital spaces for real connection. They use these platforms for work, play, meeting new people. Not all just want your time and money, and some, dare I say it, really give back. The connections made aren’t all superficial and do lead to real friendships with real people, real opportunities, and real paychecks. There are many ways to connect in the modern age, foster genuine and necessary relationships with others. The distraction factor though, is so so high. And if done improperly, the effects are real. Your attention muscle atrophies, communication too.
There are ways to use these platforms, if you must use them. There are ways to find community, true inspiration, and purpose, that don’t all need to be IRL. So, I’m working through boundaries for what the tools can be, both personally and professionally, because that feeling above is all too familiar. It’s a cycle I’ve broken, and one I don’t want repaired. Space to breathe, to communicate, to sit with my thoughts. Intention behind my digital involvement. NO hard and fast rules, just mindfulness. I don’t want brainpower senselessly tapped into anymore.
End of October Thoughts #2
The last rays of October kiss this fertile field of view.
The frost should have done its work by now, but these floral bursts are slow to fade, they resist the cold, resist the shortening days.
The parade of color this season will ultimately end. Until it does, the paradox of strong blooms in fall weather is a message to keep going, take advantage of the nutrients that last, hold on to the season for what it offers. 🧡
End of October thoughts #1
Is an overabundance of care actually anxiety? When enjoyment gets so big it eats itself and what you loved isn’t simple anymore, how can you walk that tide of emotion back? And, most of all, what does this have to do with moody pumpkin photography?
The answer to that last question is nothing, the answer to the first two questions are, as with any human thing, more complicated. Two things I like to dwell on when experiencing overzealous care (let’s rename anxiety-yeehaw!) are curiosity and gratitude.
Curiosity is wonderful in social situations. As a portrait photographer, having interest in your subject is the best way to get out of your head around performing well. This isn’t wisdom I can claim. It’s something heard over and over from successful “people” people, and really, it works. It’s the positive reinforcement of “it’s not about you.”
And Gratitude. Gratitude feels like the balm when the over-caring goes inward. When others aren’t involved or around, and we’re left with our own voices about our own ideas and situations. Gratitude interrupts this. Gratitude is a friend who walks into the cold dark room with a light, a blanket, and a cup of coffee. Gratitude can see truth, doesn’t avoid the fear or care, but reminds you of their opposites. In some magical way, true gratitude refocuses our feelings without denying them. And, guess what? Too much anxiety will ultimately kill you, but there can never be enough gratitude.
Maybe these are all thoughts too intense for a Monday. Maybe I should have left it at the pumpkin shot. But hopefully my own lightbulb moment (one I live over and over) spreads light this week.
some bright morning
More gorgeousness from transitional seasons. I won’t wax poetic again about it, at least not today.
How
Under a finite beating heart, nestled in all the good intentions, is always this question:
“how?”